The Obscure Laws and Customs of the Teleri
by Mornen
Summary: There has been a breach of customs amongst the Eldar, and Nerwen and Maitimo are at the center of it. An obscure law of the Teleri threatens their sanity...and their marital statuses. Co-written by Galad Estel. Complete crack.
1. Chapter 1

Authors' notes: This is a completely ridiculous story that we made up, spur of the moment, when we were being completely and utterly bored, so you do _not_ need to take it seriously. At all. Ever. To the end of time.

The strange incident between Maedhros and Fingon was not intended as slash, but rather as friendly flirting. Also, we do not really know if Elves wear bras, but, for the purpose of the story, we are assuming that they do. And on with the silliness!

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><p>Name translations:<p>

_Alatáriel__/Artanis/Nerwen – Galadriel_

_Nelyafinwë/Maitimo/Russandol – Maedhros_

_Findekáno__ – Fingon_

_Irissë - Aredhel _

_Ñolofinwë – Fingolfin_

_Fëanáro –_ Fëanor

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><p>'Irissë?' asked Nerwen, 'what does it mean when you give a man your underwear?'<p>

Irissë looked up. 'That depends – what to whom?'

'Mmm, I don't know if I want to tell you,' said Nerwen, twisting her hair around her finger.

Irissë looked terribly curious. 'Is it someone I know?'

'Yes.'

'Tell me!' the girl leaned forward and nearly jammed her nose against Nerwen's. 'You gave _whom what?_'

Nerwen looked down, but Irissë pushed her chin up and forced her to meet her eyes.

Nerwen sighed. 'It was Maitimo.'

'What did you give Maitimo?'

'My bra,' said Nerwen quietly.

'Why?' demanded Irissë, grabbing Nerwen angrily by the shoulders.

Nerwen shrugged. 'He asked for it.'

Irissë raised her eyebrows. 'What did he _do_ with it?'

'I don't know exactly. He said "thank-you" and tucked it into his shirt.'

Irissë frowned. 'Well, if I know Maitimo, which I do, he's probably going to use it to disguise as a girl.'

'Why would he do that?' asked Nerwen.

'I don't know,' said Irissë, 'but I'm going to find out.'

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><p>'Look what I got from your little cousin,' said Maitimo as he stepped into Findekáno's bedroom.<p>

Findekáno looked up from the book of lore he was reading. 'What?'

Maitimo held up the undergarment triumphantly.

'Cute.'

'Cute?' said Maitimo incredulously, 'I'd say it was pretty.'

Findekáno peered at it more closely. 'Oh, it's one of the lacy ones. What are you going to do with it?'

'I'm going to dress up as a girl.'

'Have you got a date?'

Maitimo glared at him. 'No, I'm going to sneak into the women's council and learn all their secrets.'

Findekáno looked more interested. 'Can I help you?'

'No,' said Maitimo, 'I have this under control. I'm really good at it. Watch.'

Two hours later, a beautiful redheaded girl stood in Findekáno's room.

'You really did do a good job,' said Findekáno, 'I would never be able to tell the difference if I didn't know you.'

'Well, I've got to go,' said Maitimo.

'Can I kiss you first?' teased Findekáno.

'No!' said Maitimo folding his arms.

'Oh, come on, just a little kiss, you're so beautiful.' He pulled his cousin into his arms and kissed him tenderly on the lips.

Just then, Ñolofinwë walked in and looked at his son kissing a beautiful woman on his bed. 'Findekáno!' he gasped.

Maitimo pulled away. 'I've really got to go,' he said sweetly, batting his lashes. He kissed Findekáno slowly one more time and glided out of the room.

Ñolofinwë looked at his son. 'Who was that?'

'Oh, just a girl,' said Findekáno, blushing.

'Just a girl? It didn't seem like she was just a girl to me. Is my Findekáno actually thinking of getting married?' Ñolofinwë asked excitedly.

'No!' cried his son in alarm.

A look of sudden realization passed over Ñolofinwë's face. 'Was that Maitimo?'

Findekáno nodded.

'What was he doing dressed like a girl?'

'He was trying to sneak into the women's meeting, to learn all of their secrets.'

'Ah,' said his father, warm nostalgia transforming his countenance.

'Did you ever try that, Father?'

'Yes,' said Ñolofinwë dreamily.

'Did it work?'

'Well, I was caught, but I met your mother.'

Findekáno gaped at him.

'She was furious at me,' continued Ñolofinwë, 'but soon she too fell in love, and we made…_you_.' He pulled his son into a tight embrace.

Findekáno looked mortified. 'You met my mother dressed as a _girl?_'

'Mmm-hmm.'

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><p>Maitimo looked around the gathering of women; they looked so innocent, what dire secrets could they hold that must be kept safe from men?<p>

'I haven't seen you before,' said a Noldor girl walking over to him. 'What is your name and where are you from?'

'My name is Lóriel, and I am from the North,' said Maitimo smoothly.

She nodded and smiled. 'I am glad that you could come,' she said.

'As am I,' he answered.

Another Noldor girl rang a bell. 'The meeting will commence now,' she said, and the maidens settled down in a circle.

'Are there any topics for immediate discussion?' asked the girl who had rung the bell with a delicate raise of her eyebrows.

Maitimo wondered if they were always so formal.

'I have a topic, Elenna,' said a Vanyar girl with a toss of her golden hair.

'And that would be?' asked Elenna with great interest.

'Men.'

A groan rose from the assembled Elves.

'Men? Why would you want to talk about them? We're away from them, and I, for one, don't really want to think about them,' said another girl in a blue shirt quickly.

'Yes, but they can be a nuisance,' said Elenna, 'and it would be a good idea to discuss how to deal with them.'

'You have to keep men in their place,' advised a green eyed beauty, 'or they start to think too much of themselves, and nobody wants that.'

There was a general murmur of agreement.

'Most of us here,' continued Elenna, 'will probably end up marrying, so we should be well learned on how to handle our men.'

'I will never marry,' said a familiar voice, and Maitimo turned in well-disguised alarm to see Irissë sitting in their midst near Nerwen. He stifled back a sigh and hoped they wouldn't look in his direction.

'Well, that might work for you, Irissë, but I myself am already engaged,' said a silver haired Teleri girl, holding up her hand for all to see.

'How do you ever manage, Lina?' Irissë asked sadly.

'Don't worry about me,' Lina said, 'my Kalëar knows his place.' She smiled confidently. 'Every time he tries to do something that I don't approve of, I just look him in the eye and tell him, "Darling, if you do that, I'll beat the life out of you." And I could do it; he's learned that already.'

'Didn't he take your word for it?' asked Irissë.

'No, most boys don't think that girls know how to wrestle.'

There were murmurs of disapproval as the girls shook their heads.

Lina shrugged. 'I told him once that when he left my friend was going to beat me up, and he stood there shocked and said, "Girls do that?" Of course we do, how else could I beat him. And I'm a wimpy girl.' She showed the others her slender arms.

Suddenly, Maitimo felt a pair of eyes boring through him and turned to see Irissë staring at him. He knew in an instance that he had been discovered.

'Elenna,' called Irissë, 'we have an intruder in our midst.'

Maitimo stiffened involuntarily, and immediately all eyes were on him as Irissë pointed an accusing finger. 'That is Maitimo, son of Fëanáro, my cousin.' Her eyes flashed.

'I don't know what you are talking about,' he said firmly.

'Oh, don't you Maitimo? Isn't that your mother's skirt you're wearing?'

He looked down at the skirt he had borrowed from his mother's closet.

'Yes.'

'I bet she doesn't know you have it.'

'She does, and she knows I'm wearing it.'

Irissë looked disbelieving.

'But I don't see what that has to do with your accusation. I assure you, I am just as much a man, er woman as any of you.' He could have killed himself over the slip.

'Is that so?' Irissë frowned. 'Take your shirt off.'

He feigned horror. 'This is most uncivil!'

'I don't really care. Take your shirt off.'

He looked about for a way to escape, but the girls had closed in around him. The man-hating terrors eyed him with wicked delight. How had he ever considered them innocent?

'No. I won't. You can't make me.'

'Fine,' said Irissë and ripped it off him with glee.

There were gasps all around, for he had done the job so well that there was hardly anyway to tell that his bosoms were not real. Elenna opened her mouth to apologize, but Irissë was undeterred; she grabbed a hold of them and pulled them off.

'Ai!' he cried, rubbing his skin where the paste had been. 'What did you do that for?'

'He is a fraud!' announced Irissë, throwing the powder-covered bread rolls to the ground.

Elenna picked up the bra. 'Where did you get this?'

'Nerwen gave it to me,' he moaned.

Elenna tossed it to Nerwen. 'Be more careful about the men you lend your undergarments to next time.'

Lina's eyes lit up. 'There we won't be a next time!'

'What do you mean?' asked Irissë.

'It's a custom of the Teleri,' she said, 'if a woman gives a man her underclothes, she is as good as wed to him.'

Nerwen's eyes went wide. 'What?'

Lina nodded solemnly. 'I can't believe that you did not know that, Nerwen, daughter of Ëarwen, daughter of Olwë, King of the Teleri.'

'It's a good thing I'm not Teleri then,' said Maitimo.

'But she is!' said Lina determinedly. 'If she does not do this, she will bring eternal shame upon her people forever!' She gasped in terror, and a cry went up from the little Teleri girls gathered.

Nerwen had turned white. 'You can't be serious.'

'Shame! Shame!' cried the Teleri.

Elenna bowed her head. 'If that is your custom, then I leave it to your hands.'

She pushed the still shirtless Maitimo towards them. The Teleri's tiny hands clasped him tightly as they began the march down to Alqualondë.

Irissë seized a hold of Nerwen. 'Come,' she said, 'this is your doom too.'


	2. Chapter 2

Authors' notes: Seriously, do not take this seriously.

Also, we are quite sure that Elves do not get 'A's for good grades, but, for the sake of the story, they do.

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><p>Nerwen and Maitimo were dragged into Olwë's palace where the lanterns shone on the walls of pearl.<p>

'Oh, King,' said Lina. 'There has been a breech in custom.'

Olwë looked alarmed. 'Of what can you speak?'

'This woman,' Lina pointed at Nerwen, 'gave that man,' she pointed to Maitimo, 'an article of her under attire. She is now bound by our customs to wed him, and yet they have refused!' she thrust her hand up dramatically in the air before covering her face with her hands.

'Shame! Shame!' wailed the Teleri.

Nerwen glared at them.

'But she is my granddaughter. I cannot have this shame in my house, for I am the king, and I must have honor. If this breech continues, I can never again look on my subjects with any sense of dignity. I will have to hide myself from the world. Oh, how can this be?' He covered his face with his hands and wept silently.

'Grandfather, don't cry,' said Nerwen. 'It isn't that bad.' She placed her hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away.

'No, don't touch me! Don't even look upon me, I cannot bear it!'

Nerwen sighed in exasperation.

'They must be wed,' said Lina.

The Teleri seized a hold of Maitimo and propelled him towards Nerwen.

'Please,' he gasped, 'let me see my father. He will settle this.'

'There is not time,' lamented Lina. Her voice darkened. 'For he is not here.'

'But this not fair!' he looked down at the tiny Teleri about him. 'I feel as if I am being captured by Dwarves!'

The Teleri did not look too happy at that comment, even if all they knew about Dwarves had been the praise that they had heard from Aulë. They pushed him on.

'No! Please! You can't do this to me!' He looked about wildly and noticed a very confused Nerdanel standing uncertainly in the doorway. 'Mother!' he cried and ran to her. Throwing his arms about her, he hid behind her. 'Save me. They said that since she gave me her underclothes, I have to marry her. I didn't know!'

Nerdanel stroked his hair lovingly. 'I'm sorry, Maitimo, but you're going to have to deal with your own mistakes. Besides, she is such a beautiful girl; you'll have such lovely children.'

'Then you offer me no help?'

She shook her head and pushed him back towards Nerwen.

Rejected by his own mother, Maitimo didn't know whom to turn to.

'Do not fear, Russandol, I shall save you!' said Findekáno gallantly stepping through the doorway.

Maitimo rushed to him and clutched his arm. 'Oh, Findekáno, I don't how to thank you.'

'Well,' said Findekáno softly, 'you could name your firstborn after me.'

'What?' gasped Maitimo as his cousin pulled out a dark blue bottle.

'Don't worry, Maitimo, this will help you. I am saving you by making you _want_ to marry her,' Findekáno soothed.

'What is that?' Maitimo asked warily.

'Love potion,' answered his cousin with a gentle smile.

Maitimo backed away from him, but he advanced, bottle in hand.

'Do not fear, Maitimo, it will soon be all over, and you will be happily wed.'

Hands closed in on him, and he was held fast as Findekáno tipped the bottle to his lips. The liquid bubbled in his mouth, and he tried to spit it out, but Findekáno closed his mouth and pinched his nose. He swallowed.

'There!' said Findekáno proudly. 'The next person you see, you will fall madly in love with.'

Maitimo squeezed his eyes shut. 'Then I will never look upon anyone again!'

Findekáno ignored him and turned to Nerwen, who was trashing helplessly in the arms of the Telerin maidens.

'It's not that bad, my little cousin,' he said, 'I am sure that you will have many happy years together.'

'What is going on?' asked a calm, clear voice from behind them.

Findekáno turned and saw Ëarwen, standing in the doorway with her head held high.

'These two are to be wed,' he explained.

Ëarwen raised her eyebrows as she looked at the two struggling Elves.

'They are so eager to get at each other that we have to hold them apart,' said Irissë, tightening her grip on Nerwen.

'Irissë!' cried Nerwen. 'I thought you were my friend!'

Her wail gave Findekáno ample time to pour the love potion down her throat. 'There we are,' he said happily as Nerwen coughed to no avail and covered her face with her hands.

'Oh, you were wrong, my dear,' said Irissë slowly, 'I always hated you. Born so soon after me, destined to take my place as the most beautiful maiden in the House of Finwë! Everyone always talking about how beautiful you are, and you such a flirt! Well, no more of that! Once you are wed, they will all forget about you, and their attention will come to me!' She smiled smugly.

'Oh, how can this be,' sobbed Nerwen, 'I have been betrayed by all that I thought loved me.'

The Teleri pressed the two intended closer together, and they tried vainly to resist, eyes still shut.

Suddenly, the door banged open and a tall, dark Elf strode in and called out in a loud, strong, and mesmerizing voice, 'Excuse me, oh gracious Olwë, but what in the name of brass plated turnips are you doing to my son?'

'Father!' cried Maitimo, keeping his eyes shut still, 'they are trying to make me marry this girl!'

'What girl?' Fëanáro snapped.

'Nerwen,' moaned Maitimo.

'_That_ girl?' said Fëanáro in disbelief. He turned a cold gaze on Nerwen. 'That insolent, despondent, unfeeling daughter of _Arafinwë_?'

Nerwen opened her eyes to glare hotly at Fëanáro. 'Oh, Fëanáro,' she sighed dreamily.

Fëanáro's eyes flashed. 'What did you say?'

Nerwen pulled easily away from the Telerin girls and walked over to him, her eyes never leaving his face. 'Oh, Fëanáro, I never realized before how beautiful you really are. How intelligent, and brave, and strong. Oh, Fëanáro, how passionate you are.' She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him tenderly.

Fëanáro pulled away, his face white. 'Will someone get this girl off me?'

Findekáno yanked Nerwen off him. 'I had no idea that the potion would actually work,' he said gazing at the bottle with newfound wonder.

'What is going on?' asked Maitimo who was trying to make sense of the situation without opening his eyes.

'Nerwen fell in love with your father,' said Irissë calmly.

'What?' Maitimo looked at her wide-eyed. 'Gracious, Irissë,' he breathed.

'Oh, no you don't,' said Irissë, taking a step back. 'Leave me out of this.'

'The way your hair shines, your teeth glitter, those beautiful hands so skilled with the bow,' Maitimo took her hand in his. 'I must wed you!'

Irissë jerked her hand free. 'I'd rather marry Huan!'

'But Huan can't love you like I can,' Maitimo cooed.

Irissë fled from him and hid behind Fëanáro. 'Uncle, save me!'

Fëanáro was still too bewildered himself to do anything to help her, so Maitimo snuck around behind him and pulled Irissë into a passionate kiss.

Irissë bit him back, hard.

Maitimo yelped and jumped away from her, rubbing his lip. 'What did you do that for?'

Irissë tossed her head and walked away.

Maitimo followed her. 'But Irissë, I love you!' he pleaded.

'Maitimo, are you trying to steal _my_ girl?' It was Tyelkormo with bow in hand and dog beside him.

'I am not, your girl,' Irissë shot back.

'Children, please, settle down,' said Olwë. He looked around at them. Nerwen was still staring love-struck at Fëanáro who was looking most undignified pretending not to hide behind Nerdanel.

Olwë looked about for someone to blame, and his eyes lighted on Findekáno. 'This is all your fault. If you hadn't brought that stupid love potion in in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess, Findekáno!'

Findekáno looked up indignantly. 'It isn't stupid. Don't you understand? It actually works!'

'Of course it does,' Olwë sighed. 'Why wouldn't it?'

'Because I am terrible at chemistry, but when my father sees this, I'll get an A! Maybe even an A+! Goodness, this is exciting!'

'You made my daughter drink a chemical experiment you didn't even think would work?' gasped Ëarwen. 'Findekáno, I'm going to have to speak to your father about this. You could have poisoned her.'

'This is _not_ exciting,' said Irissë, 'it is _terrible_. Did you give some of that stuff to Tyelkormo?'

Findekáno shook his head. 'I think he was always just in love with you.'

'Oh, great,' groaned Irissë, 'the things you learn about your cousins.'

'Half-cousins!' snapped Fëanáro.

'Why do you always have to bring that up?' asked Maitimo, rubbing his bleeding lip and gazing admiringly at Irissë.

'It's fun.'

Suddenly a great shadow fell across the room, and everyone turned in dread to the door, where Ulmo stood, his hair like foam flying wildly behind him.

'What is this nonsense!' he roared, his voice like the angry sea.

All the Elves, save Fëanáro, bowed their heads, trembling. Fëanáro stood with his head high and his arms folded. 'I am not entirely certain Ulmo, but I think that Findekáno has been giving people love potions.'

Findekáno looked up, his eyes wide. 'Only so that Maitimo and Nerwen would be happy in their marriage. Besides, I didn't know it would work.'

'Marriage? Why would they have to be married?' Ulmo demanded.

'It is a custom of the Teleri,' said Nerwen, 'a maiden must marry a man if she gives him an article of her undergarments.'

'I never…' began Ulmo, but was cut off by Maitimo.

'I was completely unaware of this. I would never have asked her to lend me her…' he coughed, 'if I had known. Please, Ulmo, give us some mercy. Do not hold us accountable,' he pleaded, bowing his head.

'What sort of a law is that?' Ulmo turned to Olwë. 'You have never spoken to me about such a law.'

'Well, actually,' stammered Olwë.

'There is no law,' said Lina.

All eyes turned to her.

'I made it up. It was supposed to be a joke. I guess it went a little to far…' she lowered her head. 'I'm sorry.'

'A joke?' Maitimo's eyes flashed.

'A joke?' snarled Fëanáro.

'A joke?' hissed Olwë. His face flushing because he had not been able to keep his laws straight. He looked around to see if anyone else had noticed.

'A joke?' chuckled Ulmo.

Lina nodded. 'Yes. Please do not judge me too harshly.'

'What a joke,' Ulmo sputtered. 'I haven't seen anything so funny since the time Uinen…never mind.'

Fëanáro looked horrified. 'You can't seriously think this is funny. That girl is in love with me!'

Ulmo rolled his eyes, which looked strange, to say the least. He splashed water all over the palace and Maitimo and Nerwen snapped out of their love spells.

'Blast!' said Findekáno. 'It was supposed to be permanent. I guess really am terrible at chemistry.

Maitimo glared at him, and Irissë looked quite ready to strangle him. Nerwen almost did.

The others all glared at Findekáno and Lina. Findekáno gulped. He grabbed Lina by the hand. 'Come on, let's get out of here! We can run away together. Build a new life.'

Lina pulled away. 'I'm already engaged!'

'Forget about him. We were meant for each other!'

'Have you been drinking that love stuff you made?'

'No, do you think I would actually drink my own chemical experiment?'

Lina jerked her hand free and hurried over to Kalëar who was glaring up at Findekáno. He held up his fist. 'Don't you dare.'

Findekáno looked faintly amused, but didn't say anything.

'Do you know what I think is good in situations like this?' asked Ulmo.

'Complete memory erasure?' suggested Fëanáro.

'Well, yes, that, but I was think more along the lines of…music!'

'You think music is the answer to everything,' grumbled Fëanáro.

'And dancing!' Ulmo continued excitedly. 'Since you're all gathered here anyway, you might as well have a ball!'

The Teleri cheered and struck up the music.

Tyelkormo pulled Irissë into his arms and swept her across the floor as the Teleri started the dance. Fëanáro rolled his eyes and bowed to Nerdanel, who took his hand. Olwë happily began to dance with his daughter. Nerwen sighed and offered her hand to Maitimo. Findekáno smiled evilly and pulled Lina onto the dance floor. Kalëar glared after him.

Ulmo smiled contentedly as he watched the dancers.

Suddenly, however, Findekáno slipped on the wet floor and slammed his face into Lina's bosom. Silence fell across the room. Olwë coughed nervously. Findekáno stood up, his face flushed. 'I am terribly sorry,' he said, helping her up.

'You know,' said Maitimo slyly, 'there is an old Noldorin custom…'

_ Finis_


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